V/H/S

V/H/S (2012)

Okay, another buttload of crap, BUT this one was good. It's odd, because it stunk and it sucked, but it was really good. I can't explain this phenomenon, but it was really good, but so bad.

This movie is about these kids that break into houses and commit crimes, and they stumble into this house where they find a dead guy surrounded by tapes. SO they decide to watch them

Tape 1) Amateur Night

These three guys go to a bar and pick up 2 chicks. One is suuuuper drunk, and the other says nothing other than "I like you" in a quiet voice. They get naked, get funky, and then the quiet one like, eats one of the guys and it gets craaazy because she ends up being some kind of psycho vampire

And she sprouts wings and carries the camera cuy into the night.

 

Tape 2) Second Honeymoon

This one centers around a couple in this western town and this girl shows up at their door asking for a ride the next morning. It switches to night scene and the boy is being filmed, and you are assuming the girlfriend is filming him,. but then the camera turns to film the girlfriend sleeping. The person filming steals money from the guy's wallet and then the camera goes off.

It is the next day and the guy is yelling at the girlfriend for taking money out of his wallet. They go hiking, have a good time, then they go to bed and the camera turns on again. This time filming the bofriend way up close, then stabs his throat. Then it shows the killer washing all the blood off, and then the girlfriend walks in and starts making out with the (female) killer.

 

Tape 3) Tuesday the 17th

This flick shows four friends going on a camping trip and they are just having fun. The one girl with dark hair gets very weird talking about how she came here with three friends and a murderer killed them all, leaving her alive. Two of the friends go out into the woods and this red-faced killer kills them, but you never really see him because his part of the camera is blurry and pixelated. She then explains to the last remaining friend she brought them as bait to catch the killer on camera, and then he gets killed and then she's trying to film the killer, and then she dies.

 

Tape 4) The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger

This one was my FAVORITE segment! I loved it!

This segment circles around a couple, Emily and James (who is all the way in Michigan in medical school) and they have been dating since high school. It is made clear that Emily has had problems with her mental health at a younger age.

This is Emily and Josh's first time being away from each other, and Emily starts hearing footsteps and running in her apartment. So she starts to investigate, meanwhile she complains about an itching bump in her arm.

Then she sees a little boy running in her apartment, but her landlord assures her that no children have ever lived in that apartment space. Finally, Emily wants to make contact with the child, and while video chatting with James, he sees her digging a hole in her arm, attempting to relieve the itching bump on her arm, where James says "We don't want a repeat of what happened on your leg"

So that night she decides to confront the child (all video is shot via webcam with james in the corner of the screen), but instead there are several "children" that attack her unconscious. You then see James leave his screen, and enter in through her apartment door, where he turns her over and makes an incision on her back, removing an alien fetus from inside of her, pieving together than he has been using Emily as an incubator for alien fetuses the whole time they've been dating. The aliens wipe Emily's memory and make it look like she ran into the street and got hit by a car, and doctors diagnose her with schizophrenia. It then switches to James talking with another girl, who he is also using her as an incubator.

 

Tape 5) 10/31/98

This final tape shows four friends who are going to a raging costume party, but end up at an empty house. They find an open door and explore the house. Two of the friends come running out a pitch black room laughing at how awesome the decorations were and that "there was arms coming out of the wall". They go into the attic, where they witness several men beating a tied up girl chanting "cast you down". The boys enthusiastically join in with the chanting, where the men freak out and yell at them, and one man beats the girl. The boys, interrupting their ceremony, start to panic, and then arms start coing out of the ceiling and floors and walls, sucking the men into the house. The house rattles and they quickly try and run out of the house, but decide to go back and save the girl. They bring the girl into their car and drive away, but then their car dies, and the girl disappears from the backseat, where she appears outside of the car. And the boys realize they are parked on train tracks, where they hear a train coming. They cannot unlock the car door, and they die

 

I will not spoil the end, but I freaking loved this movie!!!!

4 stars! It was awesome!

 

 

Scary or Die

Scary or Die (2012)

 

Let me just say, what a huge pile of S-H-I-T. I mean, it was entertaining. I got a few good laughs out of this one, but other than that, it was really bad.

There are four stories that take place in this movie. One is this Asian guy who saves a girl from being raped, but then she turns out to be a vampire. The other is this guy who killed this guy but it turns out he wasn't really dead. The third one is the clown who tries to eat his brother. The last one is this girl who gets killed by her boyfriend but she's like some kind of zombie.

It was very... The only decent one was the second installment because there was an eerie lighting and eerie element to it. Tres creepy. That one gave me some chills

The first installment wasn't too bad but it was pretty bad. The third one was just awful. The guy from High School Musical was in it! I was expecting it to be good! But it wasn't. He gets bitten by some kind of cannibal clown and then transforms into a clown himself and it's just awful.

The last one, I was so confused I couldn't even begin to try and explain it to you.

But, I got laughs out of it, so I must give it props.

2 stars, but the special effects on the third one was not bad.

 



Vile

Vile (2011)

Let me just say, this movie, was disgusting.

It was horrid and I watched it with my hands in front of my face and a knife in the other, I was screeching and squealing and wanted to throw up.

So here's the basic plot; there are four friends camping and trying to get to some place. They stop to get gas and then end up giving a lady a ride to her car which ran out of gas and then she comes back and gasses them. So they wake up in this house and there's a video that explains there are people making a drug and the main ingredient is a hormone produced by the body only when the body is in pain (not adrenaline) and they must gather enough of it in 24 hours or they will die. There are five other people there.

So basically, they must inflict pain on each other or they will die. It was so gruesome and graphic and I just wanted to puke my guts up.... And the cheese grater.... I almost crapped my heart when I saw that scene.
It was seriously revolting and disturbing. A sick mind (much like myself) made that movie and I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs watching that.

But honestly, except for the bad acting and low budget-ness, it was a good flick. If s movie makes you want to kill yourself, you know it's a good movie. Honest to god, 4 stars.

Do not watch if you have a weak stomach or find torture unbearable. It was seriously just disgusting and I will never watch it again, but I've seen it almost three times.

gross.

Blacktop

Blacktop (2000)

 

Let me start off by saying this is THE BIGGEST pile of crap I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of crap piles. I have seen a lot of crappy crap in my day..

This one topped the cake. It was terrible. Kristin Davis isn't necessarily a bad actress, but the acting in this flick was horrendous and the filming was terrible and the lighting and even the sound was off.

It was a made for TV movie and I have no idea how they managed to get these names in a movie like this. I am shocked. It is so bad that I have no words for it.

None. This flick doesn't even deserve a star. This movie has .75 stars out of five.

Yes, .75 stars.

It is just so bad. If you don't believe me, go find it and watch it for yourself. The plot was kind of solid but also all over the place. It was just yucky.

 

see what I mean?



Parsley Days

Parsley Days (2000)

 

The review says it all; endlessly charming. That it was. I seriously loved this movie.

It was poorly done, low budget, bad acting, Canadian, but it was a really cute movie.

Cate, is a girl (shown on poster) who runs a bike repair shop and class. She is dating Ollie, a Contraceptive Counsellor, who has affectionately been named "The Contraception King".

Cate somehow, despite Ollie's magnifying glass checking, gets pregnant but does not want to keep the baby as she finds that she loves Ollie but is not in love with Ollie.

She can't go get an abortion because Ollie would find out, so she turns to her hippie/artist friend who is an herbal healer and recommends her for "the parsley diet".

There is something in parsley that starts the hormones necessary to kickstart the menstrual cycle, and if Cate consumes enough of it, it will bring on her period, ultimately terminating her pregnancy.

I don't want to tell what about it is charming, but it is just the cutest freaking flick.

It is very adorable and Ollie's undying love for Cate is so cute.

Cate's kind of a bitch, but it's a lovely film.

 

Perfect for a night by yourself with that someone who loves you, it is a movie to warm the heart and has a definite low budget charm to it.

I personally loved it. I have tried watching it with some other people and they didn't like it, but if you're into the same movies as me, you'll love it.

 

3.5 stars, the others are missing for the bad acting and low film quality.

I think if this movie was done properly, it would be a fantastic flick.

 

No trailer available on the Youtubes but there is one here:

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=104386192938591

Death Note (デスノート)

デスノート (2006)

Aw Yeah! Familiar Territory! This movie was awesome!

I mean the graphics were pretty bad, and the acting was mediocre, but it was still awesome!

I'm very enthusiastic about Japanese Films. I love them to death (note). But seriously, great plot. Of course, this is based off of a manga series.

I just love how they portray death and the grim reaper, it's cool. I love apples twice as much now as I did before i saw this film.

I saw this film in my 7th block Japanese class. I like "L" better than i like Light but maybe it's because "L" has a sugar problem... Like me!

But really, the whole concept of the "death note" is so cool, it's crazy. Renée gave me a notebook with black pages and I drew the Death Note logo (see above) in it. I loved this film.

The comedic aspect of it was funny as well. But seriously, Light's own father??!

If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the movie you guys!

It's seriously good! It is! Don't worry, there's subtitles.

Do you understand how awesome it would be to have that sort of power over everyone?

actually, hold the phone. Let me explain the "Death Note" concept.

So Light (left) is a boy who finds this notebook lying on the ground. The Death Note's instructions say that if a person's name is written within it while picturing that person's face, that person will die. There is more rules in the book that I can't remember. Light is skeptical of it but then he realizes it actually works. That's when our friend Death shows up, and he is hilarious.

Some people find Light to be a hero, and others a villain.

you'll have to watch to discover what he truly is.

4/5 stars. I just wish the graphics were a little better.

OK so I couldn't find a good trailer with English subtitles, but maybe a fellow brother or sister can help me out a little in the comments below.

enjoy!



The High Cost of Living

The High Cost of Living (2010)

 

Oh. My. God. What a terribly depressing movie. What a horribly tragic, sad movie. I like Zach Braff, I really do. This was just sad. I was crying my beanball eyes out.

Zach Braff is a drug dealer (that's important info.). He's all drugged up and driving down a one way street, but the opposite way. Meanwhile, Nathalie is having Braxton Hicks contractions (contractions that happen when you're pregnant. They are not actual labor contractions, they are like prank contractions) and her husband is not home to take her to the hospital. It is night and she looks down the street and crosses but Zach Braff is all drugged up and doesn't see her. Boom. He hits her straight on.

He gets out of the car and calls the ambulance, but he drives away.

Nathalie wakes up in the hospital to doctors telling her that she has lost her baby. The baby is dead but her body is not strong enough to undergo surgery so she will have to wait and deliver her now stillborn child. She ends up meeting Zach Braff (Henry) and they become friends. Henry knows she was the woman he hit because he sent a kid from his friends' restaurant to check on her.

Knowing he was the one to blame, he still takes Nathalie in after she leaves her husband. Nathalie doesn't change her shirt because she doesn't want to have to look at her belly. She finds out Henry is a drug dealer but still accepts him.

Nathalie asks Henry to be there when she has to give birth to her baby (sadness you guys.) and he agrees.

Okay so after this I can't tell you what happens. This is as far as I can go without spoiling any info.

So like I said, a terribly depressing. If you like crying, this is the film for you. If you don't like crying, this is the film for you. This is just a great film. It both equally beautiful and depressing. It's exciting and shocking. It is, like I said, a great film. I love sad films.

5 out of 5 y'all. 5 out of 5.

 

I'm getting choked up watching the trailer...



Dead Snow (Død snø)

Død snø (2009)

 

Okay people, you all know my love for Norwegian Films. You all know. This one was bad but good at the same time.

First off, it is listed as a "zombie comedy" so that should explain a lot.

Død snø is, like I said, a Norwegian flick. Seven friends decide to take a short trip up to the mountains near the city of Øksfjord, as one of the member's families owns a cabin there.

Whilst in the cabin, a strange dude comes to their cabin and tells a story about how this area was used as a Nazi base back during World War II. Yeah, that hiker that showed up at the cabin ends up dead the next morning after one of the members has a freaky dream.

People start poking there noses where there noses are not welcome, and that's when it starts to crazy! That's when the zombies come out to play!

Get this; they're Nazi Zombies! Elite Killers! Cruel and Undead! It's such crap it's gold! This film royally sucked, but was awesome at the same time!

Somehow it was ranked in one of the 25 best zombie movies of all time.

I totally agree, probably because I love Norwegian films. See, Norwegian Foreign Films just have a certain element that other films just don't have. All the Norwegian flicks I've seen just have this... this thing. This certain feel that American, Canadian, Asian or other European films don't have. Of course, Asian films also have an element that other films don't have, as well as Canadian and American, it's the same with German films. I just happen to love Norwegian style and Asian films.

Anywho, this film got 3 stars out of five because it was kind of low budget. Here's the trailer if you maybe still want to see it.

 

(trailer)

 

And here's the full movie!

 

 (full film)

Grace

Grace (2009)

 

Wow. No words. This movie, was fantastic. It had all of the elements i look for in a horror film. It had Suspense, a creepy baby, an old lady who loves to breastfeed, blood, birth, a car accident, Cannibalism, murder... It had eerie music and just so much more. This movie actually scared me. It actually gave me the heebie jeebies.

 

The movie portrays a young woman who is trying to conceive with her husband. Finally! It works! She is pregnant and they are happy. Then, a car crash. It was coming. Her husband dies, and due to trauma, she has to carry her dead baby to full term. She ends up having to deliver the baby, but she wants a few minutes with her dead baby. She tries to breastfeed it (Birth does crazy things to people), when it comes back to life.

 

This is when the tang is stirred. When she brings home her infant (whom she names Grace) she notices flies in her home, and she starts to smell this god awful death smell on Grace, so she gives her a bath. It is during this bath, that little Grace bruises like a peach and bleeds. She has to put a mosquito net over baby Grace's crib to keep her safe. Another thing she notices is when she breastfeeds, she bleeds. Not just a little like how it sometimes happens. No, like leaking down her, horrible re-occurring scab kind of blood. Grace isn't after her breast milk...

She's after her blood.

 

Honestly, 5 stars out of 5, but it could have been a little better. If this was a big Hollywood movie, it would have been awesome.

 

Here's the trailer; Goosebumps just watching it!

Turn Me On, Goddammit! (Fåmegpå, forfaen)

Fåmegpå, forfaen (2011)

 

Yes, i love Norwegian foreign films. i can't get enough of 'em! i really enjoyed this one, even though it was a little racy.

Not too racy, you didn't even see anything. This movie is about s fifteen year-old girl, Alma, and she is kind of discovering her self... in a sexual kind of way, but that's not what it's about.

Anyways, Alma's mother thinks she is crazy and a pervert. Now see, Alma has had a huge crush on a boy (as seen in the poster) and one day she was at a party and she quote on quote "dreamed" that she was outside and he kind of sexually harassed her. she went inside and told her friends, and then her friends confronted him and made Alma look like a fool. Everyone in the town starts calling her,

Dikk- Alma. One day, Alma has had enough and runs away to Oslo to stay with her best friend's older sister.

It really was a great movie, and i can't get too much into it, i don't want to spoil the ending! This film brings you into Alma's mind, and how Alma is struggling to find herself, and find a way to express her feelings to her dream guy. the ending is really cute.

The whole film was in subtitles, because it was... NORWEGIAN, and i really enjoy listening to the Norwegian language.

Great film, 4 stars.

 

 

Khaled

Khaled (2001)

 

Wow. what a weird movie. This movie surrounds a young boy, named Khaled. His mother is kind of dodgy, she is all skinny, a smoker, she is ill, she can barely afford to take care of them, and Khaled has to wash his mother in the bathtub, and I'm pretty sure she was on drugs in this movie. she has some sort of illness. Anyways, Child Protective Services is on her back, and one day, Khaled comes home to his dead mother. yes, dead.

What a twist! His mother was lying in her bed, dead. throughout the rest of this movie, Khaled faces his bullies and tries living on with his mother gone, except for she is still in the house! He puts lipstick on her (the next Norman Bates, maybe?), and when the body starts to smell, yes, it is the house that long, he Frebreeze's it to hide the stench.

This movie was actually disturbing, quite gross and just plain weird. Just look at the movie poster! it is some sort of weird Canadian film.

this movie is so underground, and so unknown, and so bad and weird, there isn't even a trailer, so i can't show it to you guys.

1 star out of five.

A Serbian Film (Srpski Film)

A Serbian Film (2009)

A Serbian Film, A.K.A., Srpski Film in Serbia, was the most, and if not, one of the most, messed up disturbing and most horrific films i have ever seen. It was about some sort of f'd up snuff porno...

Milos, is a retired porn star, or a porn star going into retirement... he decides to do one last porno... it is SO weird. he has to kill a slut, and he cuts off his dink, and he decapitates a whore, and he rapes his nine-year-old son... i don't regret watching it, but i certainly did not enjoy it.

the effects sucked. the blood, the gore. i mean, the decapitation was okay, the blood spurting out of everywhere was okay, but mot of it was super fake, and low-budget. i mean, just look at the movie poster.

it's not that it was gory, but it was just disturbing. he is being drugged and forced into doing all these horrible things, and the end was the grossest part.

this movie has less than one star out of five...

 

if you still want to see this movie, here's the trailer. oh! and the whole movie is in Serbian but there is subtitles.

 

and here's the link to the website where you can buy the movie:

http://www.serbianfilmmovie.com/

i should get a shirt



the Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

the Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

 

The Life Aquatic! What's not to love about the Life Aquatic? Steve Zissou is killer. from the red toques to his Campari on the rocks, Steve Zissou is jut awesome.

the Bellafonte is my favourite boat in any movie Ever.

Bill Murray is forever funny, and Anjelica Houston did a fantastic job as Eleanor, and as much as i don't like Cate Blanchett, she was ok in this flick. i don't like Owen Wilson, either.

I love Jeff Goldblum, and he was good in this movie. this movie was so funny, and definitely unique.

how i wish i could be on team Zissou, that would be a great adventure.

the plotline was great! the pirates, Jeff's baot, and Cody!

Is Steve Zissou the most fascinating man on the planet? yes, he is.

This movie really was the fantastic combination of humor and drama and marine biology.

the Life Aquatic, really was a brilliantly plotted and a brilliantly performed movie.

Steve Zissou and his Team deserve a whopping 5 outta 5 stars, for this fantastically crafted wonder of a movie.

 

 



Teeth

Teeth (2007)

 

Ok, Teeth. I was thrilled with the concept of teeth in a vag, but I was not thrilled with this film.
For One, they never showed the tooth vagina! That was the purpose! All they showed was bloody dinks lying on the floor chopped off. Not appealing, I must say. The Irony in this film was that Dawn was one of those "pro-abstinence" girls and then she used her vag to catch creepers! What the hell?!
This movie contained questionable content, like how she did her brother. Her brother. You read that right folks. Or how she did an old man in a car, though they don't show it.
The bio on Wikipedia says it's a "comedy-horror" but there was little horror and all comedy! It was so awful, it was funny! Like when the dog ate her brother's dink! I was killing myself laughing!
To sum it up, the movie was pretty bad. I could've done a better job in my backyard, if I wanted to.
It had a classic bad-horror / comedic touch so that counts for something, all in all, Teeth received only two stars, not a very good movie.

Case 39

Case 39 (2009)

The movie slogan says it all. this case should have never been opened.

the freaky thing is, it's the same freaky and creepy little girl from Silent Hill!

in the beginning, you kinda feel sorry for her because she's being stuffed in an oven, but by the end of the movie, you will be wishing Child Protective Services had not shown up in time!

This movie is about a Child Protective Service agent who opens a case that no one else will bother with. the huge mistake is when she brings this little freak into her home, and bad things start happening. Me, i am scared of things like Zombies and possessions, and DEMONIC CHILDREN!

oh, and creepy empty hospitals.

This film was creepy, and i don't like Renee Zellweger, and I don't like that little girl!

I still give this flick a 3 1/2 out of 5.

enjoy this creepy demon kid!